This next week, I will be headed to Erie, PA to visit my ailing grandmother for what may be the last time. It is possible that things will go south before I get there and that I will instead be attending a funeral.
As I have been telling people the purpose for the trip, they almost all – to a person – tell me that they are sorry to hear about my grandmother. It is a natural reaction, a way for people who care about me to show their compassion for me. And yet, I have found myself responding to these expressions of care negatively, deflecting the comments in ways that are aggressive and standoffish. But it is not right that I should respond adversarially to compassionate people, so I took some time to try to figure out why these conversations sit so poorly with me.
I am certain part of it is my own brokenness, like the unwillingness to receive love that I preached about a few weeks ago.
I am certain part of it is the nature of the powerful emotions surrounding death – the unresolved tensions around the complicated relationship I have with this side of my family, the anticipated grief that I have yet to consciously acknowledge, the fact that these emotions are too big and far, far too intimate to discuss in small talk or in passing.
But I also hope that at least some small part of it is my Christianity – the fact that as a follower of Christ I do not fear death. Will I miss my grandmother when she passes? Certainly. Am I looking forward to the communal and personal grieving processes that are always so hard? No, I am not. And yet, when I am confronted with the phrase, “I am sorry to hear about your grandmother,” I find my internal dialogue responds, “Thank you. But I am not sorry.” Death comes for us all, and while the emotions surrounding death and loss are unquestionably difficult, the mere fact of death is not something to be sorry about. Christ has won the victory over death and we have nothing to fear. Whether I make it in time to say goodbye to my grandmother in person or not, I have no doubt that my communion with her will continue in Christ, so this earthly goodbye was never going to be final anyway. When she passes, so long as her eyes remain fixed on the Lord, the only thing that will be lost to her is the long-endured suffering of this mortal coil. Once we no longer fear death, it can even be welcomed as a friend.
Her name is Joan Moore, if you would like to pray for her passing. Your prayers are a compassion I could never reject.
Fr. Moore 