Dearest Assumption Catholic School Parents,
It has been brought to my attention that we are experiencing some conflicts in our older grades, amongst both parents and students, something that often (inexplicably) happens in the spring. Because our school is a community of faith before it is anything else, it is my responsibility as the Pastor to help us reorient ourselves toward reconciliation and healing. This year’s attempt will start with a review of the Gospel of St. Matthew, Chapter 18, and will conclude with practical guidelines and recommendations.
Matthew 18
Verses 1 – 6
At that time the disciples approached Jesus and said, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me. Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”
Love for our children is what unites the entire ACS community – Catholic and non-Catholic, teachers and parents, grandparents and community members. Every time we have a question about how to move forward at our school and every time we have a conflict, we consistently must return to the foundational question, “What is best for our children?” In every interaction within our community, our base assumption should always be that each member of our community is equally dedicated to the well-being of the children of the school.
Children are far from perfect and a chief responsibility of our school is to train them in virtue, especially the virtues of love of God and love of neighbor. However, as the Lord recognizes, children are naturally meek, innocent, and devout. Beyond forming children in virtue, another chief concern of a faith-based primary school is to preserve the innocence of children or, to put it another way, to give children the space to be children for as long as possible.
Verses 7 – 9
“Woe to the world because of things that cause sin! Such things must come, but woe to the one through whom they come! If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter into life maimed or crippled than with two hands or two feet to be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into fiery Gehenna.”
As Christians, we do not countenance sin. Sin is to be hated and destroyed by the power of the Cross. At our school, we do not observe a sin and say “well, sin is very common, so it is not worth trying to do anything about that.” Even while a person deserves mercy, sin should be attacked with the full power of our minds and wills, even and especially in children.
The same should be true for that which leads us to sin. If something seemingly innocuous is consistently inviting sin into our lives, it is not innocuous, and we should hate that thing as much as we hate the sin it introduces. Very practically here I would highlight smartphones for children in elementary and middle school – the data and anecdotal evidence are extremely clear that unmonitored smartphone access leads to terrible, sinful consequences for children. It is my serious recommendation that all children should only use a flip phone until high school, possibly with MMS turned off.
Verses 10 – 14
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father. What is your opinion? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine in the hills and go in search of the stray? And if he finds it, amen, I say to you, he rejoices more over it than over the ninety-nine that did not stray. In just the same way, it is not the will of your heavenly Father that one of these little ones be lost.”
Even while we make no allowance for sin to take hold of our children, we also remember that they are children and deserve the utmost mercy. The process of childhood is the process of trying and failing again and again and again, which is how we learn. As adults, we should not expect children to be perfect – on the contrary we should expect them to be imperfect. It is then our job as adults to have mercy on children when they sin, to patiently explain to them how they have done wrong, and to give them the tools they need to do better in the future. In this way, we guarantee that they will not be lost to the Lord.
Verses 15 – 20
“If your brother sins [against you], go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that ‘every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector. Amen, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again, [amen,] I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything for which they are to pray, it shall be granted to them by my heavenly Father. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
At ACS, we consider raising each child to be a community endeavor. There is power – supernatural power – when we are united in the Lord. Our administrators and teachers strive to be allies with our parents and to always develop a plan with parents, not for parents. However, this community-mindedness applies even more to our parents than to our teachers. Our hope is that parents in each grade would see themselves as a team trying to raise their children together, relying on common values and shared trust developed over their many shared years at our school.
My expectation, which I have now conveyed to Mrs. Evans and our Leadership Team, is that we would be following the principles of the above verses. When an incident occurs outside of school, it is the parents’ responsibility to be in contact with each other first, and to try to work out a plan to reform the behavior of their children and to reconcile them. If that is unsuccessful, they should look for a mutually trusted, neutral parent or two from their grade to help resolve the conflict. Only when that is unsuccessful should the issue be brought “to the church” and the school be asked to mediate. And only if there is no hope of the reformation of the child – a very rare occurrence – would we consider asking a child to leave our school.
Verses 21 – 35
Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. That is why the kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt. At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.’ Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan.
“When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount. He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt. Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?’ Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart.”
We who have received such immeasurable forgiveness through the blood of Christ should be the first and the most generous in offering forgiveness to others. Human life is messy, and we should assume that raising children together as a community is going to be messy: for our children, for our parents, and for our teachers and staff. However, any obstacle can be overcome, any sin nailed to the cross, and any offense mitigated if we make clear to everyone that ours is a community of forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness requires an intention to reform – both of these servants promised to work to pay back the debt – but anyone with that intention should know that their imperfections will be approached with forgiveness and love at Assumption Catholic School.
Summary
- Every member of the ACS community is dedicated to the well-being of our children, especially their spiritual well-being through the elimination of sin and temptations to sin.
- ACS is also a community of mercy and forgiveness that recognizes the messiness of human life and strives to work with students to form virtue and fight sin.
- ACS parents are expected to work together with each other to resolve outside-of-school issues before asking the school to intervene.
Practical Guidelines for Working Together
When one parent calls another parent to problem-solve behavior issues, it can sometimes be interpreted as mean-spirited or an overreaction. That is because the expectation of our American, suburban society is that everything is transactional and isolated (“my relationship is a business relationship, and only with the school”). ACS, however, is a community of faith whereby, in enrolling their child, a family receives the support but also takes on the responsibilities of being in a covenantal relationship with other school families. As such, in order to carry out verses 15 – 20 specifically, I am offering the following practical guidelines.
Permission and Expectation
The fact that we distribute a family directory each year is signal enough that parents have permission to contact each other.
Furthermore, it is my expectation that parents should call each other to work out problems between students. If a parent feels awkward making such a call, they should remember that the Pastor has asked them to do it. If a parent feels defensive receiving such a call, they should remember this is coming from the Pastor, not the other parent.
Assume Good Will & Problem-Solve
For any of these conversations to be successful, we must remind ourselves that every community member desires the good of every child. Both parents should want what is best for both children.
It is very helpful to remember a principle that comes from marriage counseling: “It is not you versus them, it is you and them versus the problem.” Parents should assume that the other parent also wants to solve this problem and that both parents are allies in this. Such an approach requires that the calling parent not approach these conversations as an advocate, and that the receiving parent fight the natural human response to feel attacked. We are not advocating and it is not an attack – it is a desire to work together for the best interest of two children who need help from the adults in their lives.
Sample Wording
It seems hackneyed, but “I & We” statements really are better than “You” statements.
| Unhelpful | Helpful |
| “I need you to call me back.” | “Our kids are having problems that I would like your advice on. Is there a time we could arrange a call?” |
| “Do you know what your child did?” | “Our kids have been interacting online and it is not going well.” |
| “<This> and <this> and <this> happened.” | “I heard <these things happened>. Is that the version you heard?” |
| “What are you going to do about it?” | “Can we come up with a plan to fix this?” |
| “That is unacceptable.” | “I don’t think we are going to agree about this. But do we maybe agree about <other thing>?” |
| “I am going to make sure <name> knows about this.” | “I don’t think we are going to resolve this by ourselves. Can we include <name> in this conversation? Or is there someone else you might recommend?” |
Two or Three Witnesses
How do we involve other people (the “two or three witnesses” step)?
First, involving other people in a situation before having the one-on-one conversation can spoil a potentially collaborative atmosphere and put the other parent on the defensive. Always have the one-on-one conversation first. Only then, if that first conversation does not result in a resolution, should other people be included.
Second, the most obvious third-parties are those who might also have witnessed the problem. If the issue is roughhousing at birthday parties, and one parent thinks this is a temporary phase that does not require any action, then the logical “second or third” witness would be other parents at that birthday party who think it is more than a phase.
Finally, in a one-on-one issue without other witnesses, the “witness” might be an expert of some kind. For example, the parents might agree to a video or book swap, and to reconnect to discuss the recommendations of those experts.
Involving the School
The school does not have the ability to police activities outside of school hours, and we will not serve as a mediator of first-instance for parents who have not yet spoken with each other. It is appropriate to involve the school in three scenarios:
- A resolution has been reached that could use school assistance. For example, two parents might agree on electronics use policies, but might request that best-practices be discussed and reinforced in class, too.
- A schism is beginning in the class. Maybe two parents began the conversation one-on-one (as expected) and then brought in other parties later (as expected) and now opposing camps are forming. It is appropriate to ask the school to mediate a conversation with class parents to try to prevent division from taking root.
- Even after a parent has been approached one-on-one and with a witness, they refuse to acknowledge or work to resolve problematic behavior. In this case, even though the school cannot police activities outside of school, we can be more vigilant to make sure this behavior is not happening at school.
A Final Hope
Much of what I am asking here works best if it is built on a pre-existing foundation of trust. If the first time two parents talk to each other is over a conflict, things will not go as well as if they had already had a relationship.
My class at St. Bernadette in Seattle always held an annual summer camping trip, where many of the parents and students would just hang out in tents or campers for a long weekend. This was an open invite to any member of the class, and it was a really helpful way for me to meet my classmates (and for my mother to meet her fellow parents) when I joined the class in 5th grade. I am not saying every class needs an annual camping trip, but I do hope that our parents would find regular ways to spend time together socially. If raising our children is a community endeavor, then we have to start by building community.
Please know of my continual prayers for our school and school families, and thank you for your continued support of the community we are building here.
Blessings in the Lord,
Fr. Moore 